The canonisation of John Paul 2

The Vatican is pleased to announce the forthcoming canonisation of the late pope, John Paul 2. John Paul 2 reigned over much of the world between 1978 and 2005. Despite years of prayers from one billion Catholics the pope suffered from and died of Parkinson's Disease. Which just goes to show that if God chooses to fuck the pope over he has every right to fuck you over too.

Sainthood requires of the contender, two miracles. The first miracle was obvious because during his early years in Poland the pope cured a nun of syphilis. The second miracle was harder to come by but it suddenly dawned on the canonisation committee that, with the enduring help of Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, Pope John Paul 2 managed to remain oblivious to the fact that hundreds of thousands of children were being molested and sodomised all around the world by his very own Catholic priests.

This was indeed a miracle. Everyone else on the planet knew this was going on and had been going on for hundreds of years but the pope, bless his soul, remained oblivious.

We wish the pope all the very best in his centrally heated home and we trust this latest accolade will be a great comfort to him as he contemplates the flames devouring his body, forever.